On thoughts...!

There' s just so much that goes inside your little brain, especially when you're a complete maniac like me. Sometimes, I just sit thinking what it is that I really want to do in life? Keep chasing men all my life and join the ultimate quest for the pursuit of happiness by doing the same or get settled with the one who isn't really my type, yet expresses his profound love for me?

Yes... life has this weird way of banging up on you, when you least expect it!

And I think some more... do I just want plain appreciation from a couple of anonymous bloggers for posting such intricate views about my life or do I want a warm, strong embrace of this one man who claims to hold me every time I fall? Do I want men who can communicate with me by weaving a delicate web of lies, using their overwhelming verbosity, or do I seek the absolutely unintellectual conversation with this man who says he knows me inside out? This man, who knows that my dreams often trouble me and upon waking up, I shall reach out to him.

Sometimes when I'm suddenly quiet, he asks me as to what is wrong and I just shake my head... I see him flinch, I see him want to reach into my mind to find out what it is that bothers me. It is at this point that I long to tell him, that there is no point in trying to conquer all of me, as there are parts of my personality that I dare not tread upon... there's just too much, too much that encompasses of what I truly am. Too much of what I keep hiding from my own self. Too much that I certainly don't wish to encounter. And all of this I shall keep stored, word by word, into the very depths of my soul... will he be able to understand that this is what makes me, what completes me... or will I have to forever lie?

Written on 07.09.2011

Having loved and lost...!

We sat at her dining table chatting about the intricacies of love and the excitements it offers in the early phases.

I was explaining the ‘why’ and ‘why not’ to her and it seemed so monotonous, probably because I have been discussing it with the voices inside my head for as long as I can remember. That’s when I started picking at the delicate white fabric spread on the glass table as a cover. And I wasn’t sure if I had heard it right when she said to me “You shall forget him too, like the way you forgot the other one.”

It took me a while to comprehend the sheer audacity of what she had just said and I blinked, unable to come up with a suitable answer. And then I told her what I truly felt… about having loved and lost. I asked her if she remembers having studied that the human heart is said to have four chambers. Then I told her that in effect, the number of chambers of the dear heart is quite obscure and that maybe we can take the example of an onion peel to understand it better. You know when you sit down to peel an onion and the convoluted membrane keeps coming off and you begin to think how long is it before you can actually see the inside of it. Ok. Not that any of you will actually do it. But again, I do think it’s analogous to the human heart in terms of the layers that keep the insides of it, hidden from the world. And also the fact that it stings your eyes to do so…

Hence, I believe you can't forget one for the other because no one is replaceable. Yes, the feelings you had and felt so strongly about at one point in your life, become so diluted that you can feel the very 'feeling' fading away. But it's not like you'll ever forget. Everything that you had felt once, shall stay in your heart and you shall remember it, layer by layer, as it lingers in your memory and claws at the inside of your soul and then fades away in its very own labyrinth.

Sometimes...

...when you think you know someone too well, they appear to be not at all the one you knew. Like they grow out of their habits and you begin to feel if they’ll grow out of their skin too. Like the way he used to text, and I just knew HOW.

And then you begin to observe them all over again. Like I do. Now I know, the way he says that one word. He uses the same word, every time, when he is slightly pissed at something and even as I type this I can recall the very tone he uses for that one word. Typical of him. Or so I thought. Little did I know, people change and so do their thoughts and actions, likewise.

Ever experienced...?

Having read something that reminds you of yourself with a special someone and it tugs at your heart strings and you just want to talk to that one person? Now. But you also know that you can not because of what has come in between. And the feeling, leaves you devoid of feeling. Isn't it weird?

This sheer emptiness.

Yet on the other hand, you seem to find it utterly soothing. Just like this picture on the right. This gut-wrenching solace... This combination of mirth and gloom... And I start to wonder, is life worth all the anguish and glee? The answer is yes. Every single minute of it. The wait and the debate. The memories you want to keep and those that you want to burn, to rip off and most importantly - to forget! Life encompasses all. And you are to live it all.

Ghazal...!

Muhabat jaan kr meine, ussay apna sanam maa'na,

Sanam tarashnaa lekin, hai ussnay gunaa'h jaana...

Suno dono musaafir hain, safar bhi sath krte hain,

Safar mein aein mumkin hai, dilon mein waswasay paa'na!

Tumhara naam lene se, meri rooh tak charaagha'n hai,

Jo ye ho sakay tumse, issay aa kr bujhaa jaana...

There is... Something!

Yes, I do understand. There is definitely something that attracts me to this one man... perhaps an extraordinary force that engages me in this plethora of emotions or just the plain nothingness about this bond we share. No questions asked, no promises made... fingers entangled, but no hearts entwined. Pleasures shared, but no commitments sought. Yet there's something, something that I just can not lay my finger upon. And yet I want to hold it. And as I try, it slips out of my hand like sand from an hourglass. Little by little. But an hourglass fills at the opposite end, my heart does not. It empties. And this something... makes me yearn for the comfort that his arms around my neck bring and it makes me want to touch the small of his back. And to lie with him under the duvet, tracing the contours of his face. And it leaves me thinking, why him of all the people that I have met and chased through this walk of life? Why him, when he can not even promise me togetherness for tomorrow, let alone a lifetime.

A Conversation!

He said : I'll give u a fact - I won't last a month.

I said: I'll give u another - I believe in miracles.

He said: I had one, as my Mom.

I said: U have another one, as life... u just don't know how to take it.