Neend aati kahan hai ankhon mein, Jaagta mera jahan hai ankhon mein..
Khushk koozey liye phirtay ho,
Dekho aab-e-rawaa'n hai hai ankhon mein..
Aatish-e-hijr mei jaltey jaltey,
Boht sa dhuaa'n hai ankhon mein..
Ik yehi aas salamat rakhna,
Vasl ka gumaa'n hai ankhon mein..
ala pic or ala jazbat.. surely the combination rock \m/ i loved it.. saving it in my system..
ReplyDeletethank u sweets =)
ReplyDeleteokayyyy i like the thought. i like. i like. same problem again but the spark is there. second shaer is really good. with slight attention on BEHER and ZAMEEN you can be really good.
ReplyDeleteneend aati kahan hai aankhon mein is correct ZAMEEN. beher mein adjustment chahiye. like second line if changed to JAAGTA HAI JAHAAN AANKHON MEIN will have the correct beher with NEEND AATI KAHAN HAIN AANKHON MEIN (i have written JAHAAN not JAHAN. JAHAN will disturb the beher).
one conjunction word is needed in the first line of second shaer. KHUSHK KOOZAY LIYE JO PHIRTAY HO or KHUSHK KOOZAY LIYE KYOON PHIRTAY HO so that its beher becomes equal to DEKHO AAB-E-RAWAN HAI AANKHON MEIN. this is a very nice one.
dont get me wrong. im not claiming to be mir or ghalib but i see things happening in your poetry so i felt like telling you what i thought on technical ground.
Thank u so much Sami... I absolutely appreciate your guidance. I wrote this a long time back when I used to write a lot but I also know that I do have a little problem as far as BEHER and ZAMEEN are concerned. I understand when people like u tell me about it, yet I fail to apply it. Hence, I stopped writing poems altogether. I don't know if I will be able to write again or not but if u can find the time to help me with the previous write-ups, I would be very glad.
ReplyDeletei will be reading previous entries of your blog. if your work is there then i'll be glad to help
ReplyDeleteNot much is there... but i'll upload it soon.
ReplyDelete